


Weary Soldiers

by Lidsworth



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of genocide, Past Suicide Attempt, References to Depression, Romance, both zeb and kallus deal with depression, descriptions of suicidal tendencies, impromptu therapy, people talking about things, rebel kallus, this is all ezra's fault, well zeb "dealt" with it in the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 12:13:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10490655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: Kallus and Zeb bond over their failed attempts at suicide, and manage to somewhat mend the gap between their complicated relationship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> check me out on [tumblr](http://inkstranger.tumblr.com/).  
> There may be errors galore I tell you, but I've had a busy day, so I think I get an excuse :P  
> Opens rather abruptly after Zeb has been made aware of Kallus' past suicide attempt. Kallus may or may not have said some insensitive things, and Zeb quickly counters them. 
> 
> It's an out of order series. But what can I say? I'm a Star Wars fan.

“I _do_ understand it, you know,” Zeb offered silently, as he descended onto the comforter beside Kallus, “How it feels to want to…to want to die. I came close once.”

He admitted the last part with great difficulty, voice pained as if he’d been holding his breath for eternity, as if he’d been holding in this _secret_ for eternity.

And until now, Kallus supposed that the Lasat had been.

Zeb hadn’t told anyone this, and obviously, it had taken him _great_ effort to tell even Kallus (because no matter how much they had managed to close the gap between their questionable relationship, there was still apprehensiveness and room for improvement between the two).

Gently, Kallus squeezed his paw, massaging the palm until the retractable claws came out.

There was a deep chuckle that rumbled in Zeb’s chest, followed by Kallus’ own. Thankful for the ease of tension, the ex-agent continued.

“How?” He asked only because Zeb had done the same to him moments before, and in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar way, it had been slightly therapeutic. Kallus only hoped it would yield the same results with Zeb.  

The lasat was silent for a long while, ears pinned backward and green eyes misted over. For a moment, Kallus believed that Zeb would say nothing, and he would not have blamed if he didn’t. It was a touchy subject—suicide—and to be fair, Kallus hadn’t  even personally disclosed his past attempt to Zeb.

 _Ezra_ did (and as much as Kallus would have _loved_ to tell the young Jedi to mind his own business, unfortunately, it was Ezra’s business. He did _save_ him after all).

Zeb must have felt compelled to tell Kallus then.

 Feeling slightly guilty and intrusive, Kallus made to stop him before he relayed his confession, but the words fell mute on his lips.

“I…after Lasan,” Zeb paused, considering his words carefully as Kallus looked towards him, “Don’t...don’t think I’m blaming you for any of this Kal, it’s just—“

“No, it’s alright, zeb, I understand,” Kallus had already known where this was going the moment Zeb had chosen to open up about Lasan.

“After Lasan…I felt guilty. Here I was, the Captain of the Honor Guard, _living,_ while the Royal Family rotted in pieces. I looked at my bo-rifel—the one thing besides _me_ that managed to survive the genocide,” his voice slowed, eyeing Kallus wearily for any sudden changes, and when there were none, he continued, “and I felt it was a joke. I felt _I_ was a joke. I couldn’t even do my job with it. why the hell was it here and my people weren’t? Why was I still here Kallus.”

He inhales sharply, voice an octave higher than usual, and words coming out in a flurry of raw emotions.

“Kallus, and I thought about blowing my own brains out with it. With my home _gone,_ I had no purpose, and the bo-rifel was just a reminder of my own…weakness. And I came close once. Got crazy drunk once, and almost did it. If it hadn’t been for Hera or Kanan than I wouldn’t been here—and don’t apologize Kallus, I know that look, it’ll just take us two steps back.”  
  
There was a heavy thickness that settled in the room, and for a short moment, neither spoke.

“..okay..just know I’m…here for you,” Kallus’s response was an attempt at hopefulness, though he managed to muster out only uncertainly.

“I wish I could do more,” he added silently, _I wish I never did anything to begin with._

Kallus’ silence speaks louder than his words, and Zeb finds himself pulling the human closer.

“You’re doing enough, Kal, trust me. Just…just talking to someone about it helps.”  
  
“I can agree on that,” Kallus offers somewhat sheepishly, then adds somewhat seriously: “Next time, you won’t hear it from Ezra, I promise.”

“If we keep it up,” Zeb responds, “then there won’t be a next time.”

**Author's Note:**

> basically this is a part of a series I’m planning to do with Kallus adjusting into Rebel life, it’s not easy for him due to numerous reasons, and he contemplates suicide more than once. Before this, Ezra accidentally tells Zeb that Kallus almost attempted suicide, and had it not been for Ezra, Kallus would have died (but that is for another story). However, this can be read as a standalone. 
> 
> \--  
> Wanted to finish this before tomorrow because it’s R U OK day, where college universities will be raising awareness for suicide. I’ll be going from door to door asking people if they’re okay, and recommending them the counselling center. My major is psychology so I consider this the practice I need.  
> As for the fic, as mentioned above, Ezra told Zeb about Kallus’ suicide attempt on accident. Now they’re talking about it, and Kallus realizes he’s not alone.  
> And also I think it’s highly plausible that Zeb would want to kill himself after Lasan, and I don’t doubt he suffered some sort of depression for obvious reasons.  
> But here they are now healing one another by speaking, and I just really wanted to emphasize that. Comments and kudos appreciated, check out my tumblr


End file.
